Single and Sexless. Dear Mojo

Day 1
Dear Mojo
lets be honest it's been much longer than a mere 24hrs. Most of us can survive just one bloody day, but the purposes of this diary I will pretend that today is the first day. Okay let's try this documenting thing again...

Day 1, well I managed to get through most of yesterday without realising that my Mojo is on a hiatus. Now at the best of times life would go on as usual withour a hitch but this is far from normal. This is only supposed to happen if I don't want to get laid. This is becoming a very big problem and all the solutions I have at hand are not playing ball. How many ways can one spell LOSERS, okay maybe their mojo's have also taken a vacation. Listen to me trying to make myself feel better about my current situation.

So here is the plan to help me get over this temporary state of affairs. Today we( me and my 3 personalities) will find more constructive ways to keep ourselves occupied. Catch up on some reading, draw up a few plans of things we've left hanging. Yeah that is what we've going to do. That should do it or at least I hope so. When did getting laid get so flippen hard??????
Go Lawd there I go again focusing on sex, I think I should actually just get back to work.

Later

Day 2
Okay so the later part of yesterday just went south fast. Being stuck in traffic is not a good thing at all trust me. Between changing radio channels and seeing hot guys in the lanes next to me, I was convinced I was 5 to explode. Got a brief respite when I went to pick my aunt up and taking her to the airport. For once her usual rantings about my "wild" behaviour were welcomed, but really now I wouldn't quite label myself as wild. Adventurous is a far better term, don't you think?

Eventually we leave the airport and head to the movies as originally planned. Now you would think that because a bitch has company, there would be no need for my mind wandering. WRONG!!! There I was thinking about how it's almost been a month. Running those the names of the dial-a-dicks I actually like. 10 mins later we've arrived at our destination and I swiftly jump out the car because I soo darn fluster.... Fail, Epic FAIL *silly girl, don't you ever listen to yourself*

Some people have a cold shower, I had a banana and Cinnamon waffle with ice cream. Praise the lord for Milky Lane. Checked out the Pauly Shore movie, had some laughs and choke on popcorn. Then just my luck I get called by the guy I have the biggest crush in the world on my way out. My cousin reprimands me for being such a LOSER, make a note to myself to get it together. Drop the fool off at my mom's place, head to my sister's place and end up making a detour at a friends for a very late dinner. Consume two glasses of wine and plate of scrumptious food. Dissect the issue of my singledom and sexless situation. Leave swiftly an hour later and head home to a cold bed.

Sleep badly, wake up @ 5am and head to gym, only find that my trainer is not there. DAMMIT!!!!
Too late to head back and catch up on some sleep. Oh what a way to begin the day.


Later

The Weekend
Okay so it's Monday and as such I must document my thought or actions. Friday was a looooong day and night respectively. Too many messages of the sexual nature were floating in my universe. I mean who would think that being stuck in traffic would be the most painful thing in my world. I don't think that my choice in music helped either. Although in my own defense I thought if I listened to Rock and not Rnb I would not encounter such. No more Kings of flipping Leon for me... "OMG Sex is on Fire!" Cringe!!!
You can imagine that I had a very early night....


Saturday
the actual day was okay, but this went a little south at the soccer. I was with my sister so at least the attention to the hotness on the field was deferred. Those soccer types are another breed all together. Very rowdy and they definitely drink more than the loud Rugby boys. Saw the hottest Indian man I had ever seen since THE Jet, at the Steers @ Ultra City. OH my WOW...
This man was an adornis of note, couldn't think straight for a full minute. Now at this point I decide that I must finally consult dial-a-dick... For those of you who are not familiar with the dial-a-dick it is a directory any self respecting woman should have and keep. It is the equivalent to the infamous little black book. It is also known as the booty call manual, so it speaks for itself...

Back to me and the dial-a-dick directory, OH WOW did it not fail me.I couldn't believe it, had the favour bank finally run out??? Do I need to now go out there and start from scratch? That would require a lot of leg work and we all know that my short legs look great. Okay I'm doing that thing again being just a little vain. Oh who care, VANITY rules these STREETS.
One of the hits in the dial-a-dick directory hit back and was rambling on about having plans "Hey babe, yeah I got your text... Chilling with the boys but you can pull through..." Okay the rules are quite simple, I text or call let you know what the situation is. You reply and say either yes or no...Never maybe! What does this look like a damn democratic vote, just in case you didn't get the memo this is an autocratic state NX!

Then just when I had given up on ever getting laid( surprise, surprise) my phone rings and its the new boy. Yippee I thought, salvation is never although one must never count their eggs before they hatch. He was saying all the right things or at least I let him think so. Selling me the whole world and then some( damn sales executive). Now lets get this clear, I was near desperation about to encounter new dick. Yes new dick is a problem.... Then he goes and fucks it all up...

The idiot has the nerve to say: "okay sure thing angel, so you'll come PICK ME UP around 8 then?" Hold the muthafucken train right there, did he just say what I thought he said. So just to make sure that my one ear was still functioning as its supposed to. And yes the nigga did not stutter. Oh LAWD what did I do to deserve such, where did I go wrong....*kicks and screams out loud in the garden, to the amusement of my niece*... This has to have been the last straw and then I just called it a day.

Sunday
No activity at all. Just chilled on the couch vegging in front of the heater. Stuck to BBC -Children and the Disney channel. Did the usual eat, chatted with the family, debated about things I didn't care about. Watched my niece walk around the whole house. Amazing how this walking is just her thing at this moment. Waited for Monday to arrive and a new week with less complications to begin.

Later

Friday and finally the week is over!!!
Tjo Tjo....
Dear Mojo
I am so hanging like a full time streetwalker on Oxford after hours. And yes I will blame it on the damn booze and all that comes with it. Champagne is the devil I tell you, the DEVIL! I never learn and then I pretend to be surprised when my head is banging like the speakers at the club. On that note, went Roka last night with the TEAM and the boys. It was fantastic to say the least, but a tad too full for my liking. I mean our corner ( yes we have or had a corner) was full of so many people, I wasn't sure if I was coming or going.

It was like there was a buy one get one free special koRoka, only to find out that all booze was 50% off. Now that is fantastic and at the same time it is a great problem. As a result of such findings individuals who don't buy bottles, were blowing payday money like it ain't no thang. I'm not too sure if they have any left though. The line up was tight, atmosphere electrifying and so it goes. So you get the picture I'm painting here, mind you I actually liked my outfit yesterday. Can you say HOTT Ala Vanity Street!?!?!?!

Here is where the problem lies in my current life of singledom and sexlessness. Everywhere I went ( yes blowing my own horn again) people of the male species felt the need to be touching me. Now you see I have tactile issues and I have to set my mind into a particular zone when going out. You see I can not act all surprised if people touch me and I touch them when I walk through the crowd. But if you are like some silly lil nigga last night who grab my assets, only to be put into his place very quickly. We will have a very big problem and problems of that kind, get solved very quickly by big black men in black suits. Yes I'm that biatch that will call security on your ass. I have no shame!

The night progressed as it should, ended on a bit of a sour note. But we shan't talk about it in this forum. Back to the night, once again I was playing cat and mouse with another nigga. Don't ask me why, it is completely illogical. Anyway let me spill the beans. Cat and I have been dancing around each other in circles, occasionally sharing the odd kiss. Now I have no idea how or where this began, but it did. And I'll be honest I'm a sucker for a man that can kiss and this man can and verrrrry well. This is such a problem with me, I like good things and pretty things and things that can give you a great lay. If they way Cat kisses is anything to go by, I can only imagine.

That is also where the problem lies with us, doing too much damn imagining. Whoever said brain sex was fun is fucking liar and if they tell you different, bring them my way. I've got beef with that mofo. I need to stop digressing, hayi hayi.... Anyhoo we did the usual "dance" pretended that we weren't. Had a moment after a jagerbomb, which seemed to cause a stir. The blacks were in disbelief and it makes me wonder. Then he freaks out and scats off to wherever he does. I was left there with a million questioning eyes, and naturally because I'm lady I don't kiss and tell. In all honesty though there was nothing to tell. It was then when I had an epiphany about the dance and that I'm too old for such stunts... We've been doing this for 2 months and we haven't attempted to sleep together. Suspicious?Weird? Call it whatever you want, this lady in liquid tights is DONE!!!! I was more confused than the crazy vagrant standing next to my car and I couldn't take anymore of that confusion.

Location-Wimpy. Victim- Me again. Offender- we like to call him the ARSE HOLE FROM HELL.
To make a very long story short, this nigga is the reason I lost my mojo in the first place. He has the nerve to tell me, that he misses the greatest sex he's ever had. Now how is that MY problem and we both know why I'm not boning him anymore. I couldn't be involved in entertaining such notions, I mean really now. Do I look that desperate???? Don't answer that. Politely excused myself and went to join the company I was with.

So the day is not ending fast enough and all I want to do is go home. Til next time


Women's Day weekend.
Okay so I've been bad with this writing daily thing, please do forgive me. I would like to blame it on my mojo, but that wouldn't be fair since we haven't been hanging out together in a minute.
Now the past weekend was the Women's day weekend and that comes with a million reasons to jol. It also means that you will receive an annoying amount of insincere women's day messages that fill you inbox. Friday was just not a good day and the evening became equally as horrible.

And what is the best way to fix a fcuked day, go out and drink the night away. Find time to dance in between and get hit on by dodgy Negro's along the way. But today's blog is not about any of that, in fact today I get to welcome back an old friend. If you haven't guessed it by now, I found my MOJO...YES I GOT LAID... Phew, felt good to say and write. I know I know, need to give you the details and all that lovely stuff.

Disclaimer* to protect the lives of the innocent and those other fcukers I don't care about we shall refrain from using names*

So after a lovely Friday night out with the homies, I had a hangover to prove it. ( note to self, we must try out those hangover remedies) Eventually got myself up and head back to meet the girls for another night of devilish behaviour. And boy was it devilish and very entertaining if I have to say so myself. Now imagine this 4 girls, 2 bottles of Jameson, enough dash and some greenery. Yep that was us on Saturday night, did the usual male rant and then contemplated going out. We got over that idea very quickly. A few male friends of ours came by and joined in the festivities. Right along with them came my mojo, but I didn't know it yet. Although the thought did cross my mind, as a result of the copious amounts of alcohol so far consumed.

The night progressed ever so sweetly, had a Mariah Carey singing session in front of the mirror. Jam Alley had nothing on us, the boys were both shocked and completely entertained. The Team manager and myself headed out to get a refill and something to munch on. Because we all know what an appetite you work up being foolish at midnight. Got back with another bottle of Jameson and loads of Mc Donald's. Continued the fiesta at number 66, while all this was happening my mojo slowly trying to come back. You see there was a familiar body in my presence and the mojo approves highly of this body. But the thing is this boy and I decided to stop our thingy fling thing for to many reasons I care not name.

So there I am at a cross road Single and Sexless, what to do was the question. Now you see at the same time was getting the usual what are you doing looks from the Team members. And honestly I was not doing anything yet, I mean I went out of my way not to do anything. We gathered as the blacks @ number 66 and took a little road trip to a party on the North side (Midrand). Zip Zip Zoot got there finally after a painful drive with other equally confused drivers... Enter the party and there is too much going on or am I just drunk? Then I conclude that it is an equal mix of both.

After like 20 minutes of torture and damn near molestation we blow that biatch faster than we got there. Headed back to number 66 to try and salvage the night, but that was just a lost cause. Err body but me and the boi passed out. We sat in the car for like 2 hours chatting and playing catch up. So naturally at 5:30am it would be advisable to go sleep right? Well that was the plan til we walk into the house and saw that there was simply no place to sleep. Now being the bright spark that I am, I decided lets bite the bullet and head to my house. Left number 66 and drove 167 Riverside Drive. Got there only to find that the little brother was having a house party! *sighs*

Chose to ignore the happening around me, because I just wanted to sleep. There I was trying to get into my room, only to find that it was locked. (note: Miss Vanity Street never locks her bedroom door unless necessary) This called for a small session I would like to call a beat up lil bro and have a massive bitch fit. Got those little bitches out my room so quick, they little trick forgot her damn earring in there. Then I had to decide whether I should change my linen like a crazy woman, or just let it slide. Before I could make up my mind the boy was in bed, naturally I had to take my cue. Now I'm a girl like that, I need to wash my face and get into my jammies. And that is exactly what I did.

After all the appropriate undressing and re-dressing I finally got into bed at 6h45 am. We attempted to have a little small talk, but then he passed out on me. *shakes head and sighs* There I was thinking that the universe had just taken my one chance, to break this long overbearing non-sex having cycle. Off to sleep I went and then it all made sense.

*disclaimer the rest is too graphic, so it shall remain in the head of the blogger*

Woke up around 10am and I had a big smile on my face. If their is one thing for sure, that body never disappoints. He always lives up to expectation and more. Now I wonder if we're at it again or this was just the universe's way to shutting me up. Either way I feel like a normal person and the world is my oyster. Oh Mojo it feels great to have you back, but the more important question is will you stay? Why did you leave? Was it the prospect of new dick, either thanks for coming back.